At 10, I already thought about how my actions then would affect me 10 years down the road. I'm not trying to sound condescending, but I was that risk averse. That's all good and it got me here but my biggest mistake was to think that "genuinity" is real and will prevail.

People see what they wanna see.

I guess this is good bye. 

Write.

I'm recycling relevant things I wrote in my journal for the past many years.

Sometimes I don't even know how I came up with these things and I feel like I've lost that same curiosity, fascination for things that I strongly believe matter most.

Other times, I'm glad I made the thoughts permanent, at least on a piece of paper.

Where gravity is dead

The concept of borrowing and lending in Islam is simple. You pay back the exact amount you borrow. The lender should not expect a return. Interest is exploitative and unfair because it guarantees the lender a profit without having to do the work or bear any of the risk.

The problem is people are already accustomed to the practice that they should be rewarded for waiting (i.e. interest) but that is not the true fundamental for borrowing and lending. It is to assist those in need by mobilising funds from those who are in possession of excess funds which they do not need to use at that specific moment.

It is a relationship based on social betterment.
However, it's funny how there are innumerable psychological variables and elements in Economics yet altruism is always dismissed. This is what differs from Islam. Instead of "husnuzon" or thinking the best in others, they'd rather subscribe to assuming the worst in people.

This is evidenced by how "Wealth of Nations" got a more prominent recognition, when "Theory of Moral Sentiments" was really more descriptive/accurate in explaining the economic mechanisms of society.

-Of borrowing and lending, ainulryakova, 15th November 2011

oh a smile would melt me to an asphalt strip

Perhaps you experience the truth only when you do not deny the shortcoming and the pain that comes with it no matter how severe.

The truth is exclusive even though it may not appear so and if people knew that, the effort put to hiding it will instead be used to finding it.

What I mean by the former statement is that, take for instance an article you read about something closely related to you, and it tells you something generally negative. If it's true, then you should not deny it which is difficult as accepting the truth often comes with a soft stab to the heart no matter how oblivious or in denial you are of the pain. However, if the article is untrue, you will be left feeling indifferent.

By the latter statement I mean, the truth is not exclusive to certain people but to those who seek it. The truth is so significant and immeasurably insightful but people somehow tend to go out of their way to avoid it. ironic.

-Of the truth, ainulryakova, 3rd November 2011.

You accept the love you think you deserve

That is definitely my favorite quote from Perks of Being a Wallflower. The quote is even more meaningful than I thought it would be before watching the movie.

It's just so candid. Sometimes you settle for less because you don't know how much you're worth. But then again, it's pretty screwed up putting value on yourself. 

Amsterdam

I've got to get out of this hole.

stood on the egde, tied to a noose. You came along and you cut me loose. 

What's more important than the win? The chase.

But that's the 15 year old me speaking.

Surah Al-An'am

I don't know how to describe this Surah accurately. The Quran is full of stories but this surah struck a different chord with me. I was intensely angry with the level of ignorance evident today, and perhaps I was even more frustrated knowing that I let myself contribute to this societal cancer. In an attempt to calm myself down, I opened the Quran, and found this verse:

"If their dislike is hard on you, then see if you can seek a tunnel in the ground or a ladder to the sky, so that you can bring them a sign. (You know) if Allah willed, Allah could have gathered them on the guidance. So do not be like the ignorant. "

6:35 Surah Al-An'am

This verse to me, is extremely powerful and I don't think my interpretation can do justice to it(even that is an understatement).
Just to be clear, The interpretation is obvious but I really hate to appear using Quranic verses to justify my actions or to make myself feel better because it's parallel to my actions/thoughts.

This verse calmed me down for 1 reason: it was a solution.

You are not entitled to be angry at those who challenge your thoughts whether rightfully or not. You have no liberty to ridicule the ignorant. They are not deserving of your judgment because "If Allah willed, Allah could have gathered them on guidance" and to top it all perfectly "So do not be like the ignorant" because firstly, ignorance is the source of moral decadence but the ignorant can turn into the conscious and the scariest part is vice versa.

At one point I did feel like it's easier to hide knowledge and consciousness because sometimes it repels people (real scientific research has proven so). Once you start hiding, you stop yearning to know more because sharing or application of knowledge is ultimately the end to this means. So the best thing to do is stated already in that verse. Don't perceive to remain the guided one forever, don't past judgment on others and most importantly, enrich yourself with knowledge even when others fail to do so because only Allah knows what our thoughts are.

it's kind of disheartening when you get into and accident whether big or small, and the first thing someone asks is whether your car's ok or whether your parents are angry that you ruined a new car.

i dont expect people to care about my general well- being but i get annoyed when people seem to care about my general everything-else-that-can-go-wrong-in-my-life-being

but tht's just me again,focusing on the bad when many others wished nothing but safety for me. everything's a big mess lately, and i cant seem to figure out why.

Psychonomist.

So some time in June, I took a little quote out of Sophie's world and shared it with my world:

http://downtokokomo.blogspot.com/2012/06/kinda-hard-to-imagine-that-this-was.html

Keeps me grounded every time. Just to illustrate how great minds think alike, here are a few related quotes from different great minds:

"One of the painful things about our time is that those who feel certainty are stupid, and those with any imagination and understanding are filled with doubt and indecision"

-Bertrand Russel

"The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool"

-William Shakespeare

"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge"

-Charles Darwin, well despite his ridiculous theory of evolution, have to commend him on his gifted philosophical mind.

to share a little bit of how I got around to learning about these quotes, it was a nice gloomy Sunday evening when I decided to ponder upon the existence of humanity around me. Post-human interaction, I also started to study why humans behave the way they do? Why some say things they don't mean. Why some say things they don't like to hear themselves. Why some believe in being something they are not. Yes many many questions but most importantly, I was trying to understand how a person can say something that is of his or her greatest concern, yet act the complete opposite, perhaps just perhaps, without realising it. 
So I found the Dunning-Kruger theory, looked into Bipolar disorder, read a little bit of Freud's psychology of projection etc etc, you know, stuff normal people do before the monday blues. 
I'd love to go into psychology. psychonomist. That sounds better than it means.